he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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