My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
