Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
