I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
