He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
