omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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