i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
