after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
