so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We need to get me chipped asap
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
