I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
