just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
