well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
