Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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