you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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