i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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