sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
