booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
