I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
