so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
