He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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