He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize