I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
