There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
