one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize