I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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