Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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