i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
