she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize