Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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