shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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