All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize