I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm getting married
To pizza
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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