Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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