Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
