tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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