if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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