the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
