Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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