she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
