had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
