marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize