You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
