We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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