She's JV to your varsity
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
