I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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