Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
