I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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