I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
