so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
