Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
