mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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