omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
