so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
