Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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