I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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