I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
zippers are such a cool invention
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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