I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
