chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
