I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
