Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Let's get the cat blown out
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
