please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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