its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
