Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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