i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
