Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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