im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Randomize
