dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
