I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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