I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
